I asked
would-be to write a guest post for this blog cause I reckon there'd be a bunch of guys out there wanting to know what he was up to. Last we
heard of him, he'd just got a new job and developed sudden paranoia atfer a ridiculous cocktail of drugs at a work party. He seemed to remember mentioning his blog to a girl leading him to take it down. The risk of anyone discovering it now that his life was finally on the mend was just too much.
So what's he been up to the past few months? I'll leave it him to explain... comment thoughts below.
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It was probably about a month ago that C asked if I’d be interested in writing a guest post for this blog, and although agreeing to try and fit it in at the time, I didn’t really go out of my way to make any effort.
There were a number of reasons for this. The first being that my laptop completely died beyond repair back in January and I haven’t sorted myself out a new one yet, meaning that I’d have to write up my shit on my work computer and run the risk of my degeneracy being uncovered by those that I have to deal with on a daily basis.
Another big reason was that even until a couple of weeks ago I was still pulling the same shit as before. Since I started this job, I’ve had two paydays, and less than a week after each I was completely skint after chucking every penny in to sports bets and the roulette machine in the Ladbrokes underneath my North-London flat. I also went through a stage (albeit a small stage) of doing a lot of coke. That’s an expensive habit.
I didn’t want to write a post about it because although I was still up to no good, I was managing to live a life of denial, helped by the fact that I can never tell my flatmates that I’ve gone back to my old ways, instead having to come up all the time with elaborate stories as to why I’ve no cash.
Away from the gambling, though, things have slowly been getting better in my life. Work is going well, I’ve managed to build up respect from those around me, even if it is based originally on a fabricated history, and potential is showing its face at almost every corner.
I also get to travel a lot and go out to dinners and shit in fancy restaurants and hotels that quite frankly a person like me has no business being in. Just a few examples of this are the dinner I had to go to in the Savoy on the Strand, the week I have to spend next month in Munich at a big construction trade fair, the week I have to spend in Vancouver, and then the trips I’m expected to take in the next few months to both Brisbane and China. Although, I’m trying to get out of the China trip just because I could do with a break and don’t really fancy it right now.
About three weeks ago I also decided to stop taking my medication. The more I move on in my life, the more I want to regain control of every aspect.
To be honest, I don’t really feel any different, at least not yet. My moods are fine. The only thing that’s causing me stress is that since I came off them I have become a real insomniac, getting about 3 ½ hours sleep on a good night.
But I can deal with that. In fact, my body’s got used to it and it doesn’t bother me as much as it did.
Ah yea, before I forget, I even joined the gym just round the corner from my work for £50 a month and I’m trying to get myself back into the shape I was in when I was playing football.
Right, moving on a bit….
I’ve met a girl.
Not just any girl, actually. Probably the most beautiful girl I’ve ever met in my life, someone that makes me feel so good that after leaving her and jumping on the tube, people look at me and avoid me like some sort of special case as I can’t wipe this big fucking retarded smile off of my boat.
And the best thing about all of this is that she likes me as much as I do her.
Every lunchtime she jumps on the tube from Hammersmith where she lives to come and spend an hour with me walking along the river close to my work in Blackfriars. In the evenings I go over to neck of the woods. And when we’re not physically together we just speak for hours on the phone, and online when I’m at my desk in the office.
She’s quick-witted, intelligent, funny, laid back, and stunningly beautiful to look at. She writes poetry and songs, drinks and smokes, and has been through shit in the past that has only made her stronger. She’s a talker and a listener. She’s everything that I’ve been needing lately but also everything that I didn’t really want to find. She seems to understand me, which certainly isn’t easy.
Before she came along, I was up to my old tricks on the woman front. I’d already shagged a girl from my office, as well as having a casual sexual relationship with a Czech girl I met who turned out to be a fucking pain in the arse and had to be got rid of. In the last couple of months I also took home a few girls I met in clubs and pubs, but got fed up with each and every one of them almost before I’d shot my load.
I was seriously of the belief that I was incapable of caring about a girl or even really liking a girl for more than just a quickie. I’d given up on all hope that in my life I might once again have that feeling of uncontrollable happiness in the hours before and after spending time with a girl.
I was a cynic. My future was mapped out for me; I would gamble my life away, drink, take drugs when on offer, and shag women when I had the need. No one was going to change me.
Now, though, my whole world has been turned upside down. I don’t want to fuck up, I want to finally beat the gambling, I want to be able to give this girl everything, even though she’s not the type of girl who just wants stuff. I like her. She’s made me happy. It’s only been 10 days since we first met, and already she’s completely blown my mind. I feel weak to it. We’re already even making plans of weekends here and weekends there. This is new to me, I’m so out of practice, and yet it just seems so natural.
Apart from the girl, I’ve started enjoying things in life again that I’d forgotten could be so good. Things like going to Spurs. I went to the Blackburn game last week, the first time since my dad died, and after I’d got through the emotion of realising he wouldn’t be phoning me at half-time to see how we were playing, I was able to soak up the atmosphere and just bask in the love I feel for my club. Tottenham Hotspur, can’t smile without you.
Please let us carry on the fight til the last day of the season and grab that Champions’ League spot. Please.
I’ve got a ticket now for Wednesday’s cup quarter-final replay against Fulham, and after that I hope to be able to sneak a ticket for the semi-final at Wembley as well, although I don’t fancy my chances of getting one for the final against either Chelsea or Villa.
Family-wise, things have calmed down a bit since the problems I had with the law back in December. I’ve completely cut my mother out of my life, she’s dead to me and I don’t expect to ever see or hear from her again. If she died tomorrow, I wouldn’t even want to be informed. I don’t care.
Equally, the guy that I hold responsible for my dad’s suicide is out of my mind for now. I know he’s moved into my dad’s house, and for a long time I was making plans with certain people and things were almost ready to be put into action. But now I’m able to look at the situation with a clear head and not let my emotions and fiery personality get me into hot water that I really don’t need to be in right now. I’ve too much to lose, which is completely different to before when I had absolutely fuck all to risk.
I have a life now.
I even get on well now with both my sisters, and regularly go over to the older one’s in Kent on a Sunday for a roast and to play with my niece and nephew.
I realise that this post is probably boring and disappointing, but if I were to apologise for that fact I’d be lying. I’m not interested anymore in entertaining through my own fucked-up tendencies and childish behavioural traits. I also know that I probably come across as some sort of soft poof in this post. I also don’t care. This is (hopefully) the last post you will ever read from the Degenerate Would-Be.
Time has been called.
So a few days in LA and then maybe we’ll drive down to Vegas 'Hangover' style. Always wanted to do that. I’ve got a room sorted and all comp’d at 
I also hadn’t been to a new gig in ages but despite the freezing weather, trekked up to the Roundhouse on Sunday night to watch Bluey Robinson which was incredible. The crowd were going nuts for this guy who hasn’t even got any radio play yet – all of this buzz just off his youtube 
